Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
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Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.