I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
You Might Also Like
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
sounds kinky. i’m in.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.