You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
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[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Always…
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza