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We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
I like long walks away from everyone
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
#Thanos #MondayMood
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.