Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
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Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.