Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
You Might Also Like
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!