I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
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God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.