No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
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In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I am crying
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.