Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
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“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?