Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
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I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
describing stardew valley
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.