Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
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When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.