“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
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what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
his wife is probably gonna see that
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now