if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
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*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck