I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
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good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”