What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
You Might Also Like
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches