her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
You Might Also Like
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Pass gas, not judgment.
How wrong was this guy?
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right