How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
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It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I need to update my racial profile.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight