No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
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British websites use biscuits.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?