i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
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[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Trumpy Cat
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things