I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
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I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
I just ran a .003048K
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.