Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
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Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
🤣🤣🤣
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.