Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
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*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
This squirrel eats better than I do
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I’m giving up ice.