Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
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ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Breaking news:
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…