Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
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I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂