[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
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*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
fair
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.