I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
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My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
My dad teaching me to drive
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day