[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
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The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question