Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
You Might Also Like
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.