To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
You Might Also Like
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
uncle dave has been through hell
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.