Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
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9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?