“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
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*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Oh boy, $150,000!
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.