*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
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Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
This is my emotional support knife.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Please do it!
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
japanese corn
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]