My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
You Might Also Like
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”