THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
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[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]