Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
You Might Also Like
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
adam and eve had first world problems
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Who wants to be my Valentine?
*pronounces surface like Versace*
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…