Saving my good tweets for marriage
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I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.