“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
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[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.