[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
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*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.