JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
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What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
everyone has that one prude friend
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.