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“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!