Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
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I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.