Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
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[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
me after eating Cheetos