With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
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Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Monday Lisa
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times