School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
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ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.