Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
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Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
dutch so unserious
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”