Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
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I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.