my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
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“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
#MeanwhileInCanada
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.