I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
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Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
how it started vs how it ended
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
he chose this
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
October already? What’s next? November????
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.