English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
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[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”