me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
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Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)